Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
