The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
