i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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