then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i don't like sucking hair
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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