What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
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I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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