i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
