You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
