I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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