I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
