I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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