Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
