So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
