From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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