just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
