My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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