I'm really into asian looking animals
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
