Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
