I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
