Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
