Umm I'm too high to move.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
