when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
