Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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