I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is Oprah even human
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
