im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
