I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
