and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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