I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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