I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
