hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
