I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
