I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
