you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
