I wish I only lived at night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
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I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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