am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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