i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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