she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.