new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
