She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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