Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
