If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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