I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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