I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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