your thong is hanging out like whoa
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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