nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i drank out of a bidet.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
