apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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