I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
