I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
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We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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