pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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