onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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