I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
