I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
