I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
