Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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