If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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