Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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