can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
