matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
